Delivering Love

Every single one of us without exception judge . We believe we won’t , we aren’t that way , but we cannot help ourselves, it’s the human condition . Most of us will do our best to keep this rather undesirable trait in check , to NOT be that person who looks on and opines. Still it comes , and never is this more evident than when it relates to mothering .

It doesn’t matter how you mother , somebody somewhere will find your particular style or situation distasteful . Just take yourself to any Mum and toddler group , school PTA or football club and it’ll be more obvious than the nose on your face . Every single one of us who is a mother will have many and varied tales to tell of how we have felt judged and cornered by others opinions of our parenting .

The thing is there’s no job in the world that is more important nor more difficult than being a mother . The responsibility is enormous . The training is minimal at best and the rewards take time and effort to show themselves . It is not easy . So why are we so quick to jump to judgement on others ?

The role is tough . Period . EVERY circumstance of your life affects it . You can plan and prepare and have it all snuffed out in an instant. Life seemingly conspires against you at all and every turn . This is the reality of motherhood for all of us . Irrespective of our age our children’s ages , there’s no special relief for social class or monetary wealth .. we are all in the exact same boat . Yet still it can seem that somehow there is joy derived in the judgement of other mums .. and I ask myself why ?

Certainly we maybe tapping into our less than pleasant selves, that base part of us that we all like to pretend doesn’t exist . Maybe it’s just simple gossipy none-sense that gets our womanly ardour flourishing ? Or could it be that subconsciously we are hiding our own insecurities and diverting from what we perceive to be inadequacies and using the apparent misfortune of others to ease our own burdens ?

Having spent the best part of 4 days in and out the maternity last week Kelly and I got to know her across the room bed fellow quite well . An older lady who in her own words “is a stereotype”. Her tiny baby was the result of a presumed menopause, a baby that took her by surprise more than half way through her pregnancy . She was a lady who offered in her appearance much opportunity for judgement, should you be inclined . And judgement there was . In spades. We watched on as she was treated quite differently from other mums by both staff (usually the ancillary staff not the midwives) and patients alike . She was written off without a word or even an attempt to know her . To us she was a Mum . Actually a very loving mum . Her partner of 16tears and her other 2 dependant teenage children visited often and anyone with eyes who cared to even try to see saw nothing but love flow between all 5 of them . A little care and understanding led to a lot of trust and willingness to share a small portion of a tough life . A very tough life . A ‘there but for the grace of God go I’ kind of life. No attempts to hold back , to seduce us into thinking she was anything she was not . Just honesty . Friendship . I would arrive after work to find that Kelly had been watched like a hawk , protected , nurtured in a beautiful and , wait for it , non judgemental way .

We reciprocated not from obligation but from a genuine place of love and care . Numbers were exchanged and so forth and pictures of lovely babies taken together . We always have supplies at Nurture so we were able to bring some bits and pieces to a family much in need . Their gratitude was humbling .

The most interesting part of this whole scenario was the confusion on other people’s faces . The more we connected the more confused people became. Interestingly the harder it was for them to be just so judgemental in the face of her having some kind of ‘kin’ on her side . It was difficult to witness such confusion when truly all that should have been evident is compassion . We left the maternity with 4 bellhops carrying our bags and balloons to the car , hugging , kissing and thanking us profusely for a few very random acts of kindness .

This has penetrated deep into my heart and Kelly’s . We have talked of little else so moved are we by the stark reality of how judgement or the lack of it can change so greatly a person’s heart . I cannot help but wonder how much easier life would be for every mother if we just stepped back and said “well done”.

Even in the midst of motherhood fails we must remember the crushing feelings of despair that come along side this. Genuinely sociopathic cruelty is rare , even where neglect and the like is perpetuated so often it’s from despairing hearts . Those mothers who themselves were not mothered . Feel the pain of their failure . The anguish of mistakes made over and over again in a cycle that for so many is inescapable. Thank God or the universe or whatever is your preference that you’ve had the wherewithal to prevail .

However in the words of my lovely sister and Cinderella why don’t we all just try to

“Have courage and be kind”

You might just change a precious life , each one uniquely special and waiting for its purpose to unfold !