Delivering Love

I have been really quite moved by some of the comments and messages I’ve received from yesterdays blog. It was a very heartfelt piece that was as much about me expressing to myself what I felt about my life and it’s purpose as it was my experiences a s a midwife. I was touched by the comments from people relating to their own childbirth experiences and it was to some extent comforting and affirming . However todays little piece is in answer to those who wanted to know more about the actual ‘call‘ part of my story.

Ever keen to make midwifery comparisons ( they do say write about what you know ). I considered naming this piece ‘conception‘. Somehow that just didn’t seem to fit and to be perfectly frank it annoyed me. It was spoiling my nice and tidy midwifery analogy. Then it dawned on me . This moment of my life was not about me the midwife . It was me the expectant mother.

I was in a clothes store yesterday and overheard a conversation between two of the young staff (probably mid 20’s) about their readiness , or not, to become mothers. One girl was emphatic that this was not something she saw in her immediate future while the other expressed a different opinion. She had been with her guy for several years, he was vocal about his desire to be a dad, she loved being with her nieces but was anxious about the reality of actual motherhood. Sound familiar ? I think this is the well worn path of many women ( and men) as they anticipate the possibility of becoming parents. It’s the pre-conception/decision stage. Arguably one of the most important moments of a person’s life. When the spark becomes a fire of thought and possibility. Where dreams begin.

My ‘spark’ was so faint you could blink and miss it. A little like a lighter that’s running low on fluid it would flicker on and off . I was aware it was there and I was also familiar with what was needed to sustain the spark into a flame. I loved being a midwife, I adored every second of all that I described yesterday and then some. It was exhilarating , challenging…I was good at it . I was qualified, capable , it paid well and it was a respected profession. All of these factors become the back drop to seeing that spark. It’s so much easier to make life changing decisions when the thing you are to turn away from is problematic or difficult. It’s far simpler to content yourself with a change that will make life easier and remove some of the angst you’ve perhaps been experiencing. The lack of this and the truth lying in the polar opposite was my nudge that this was real. It was a spark that would become a flame and so I would be required to heed – and sacrifice.

However , isn’t there always a however? There I am feeling called to serve God with no clue how this could possibly work. Are you confused? Are you wondering what’s so hard? Go become a missionary or a nun or go to seminary and become a minister? I don’t blame you, these were my thoughts too. The kicker, however, is my total ‘square peg in a round hole’ identity when it comes to the institution of church. I say institution because I believe the church is a body of people who believe and have faith in one God. I don’t believe that  church is a building, a denomination or a structured set up. Are you seeing more why I don’t fit? I am ok with structure and I believe that many people thrive in this environment and if so … great. Sadly I also believe that for many  this suffocates and stifles the God created person that they are.

I am a person who brings the Romanian Gypsy into the church service as she begs at the door only to be rebuked by some as putting the congregation at risk of pickpocketing. Maybe that’s true, I’m inclined not to care and be happy to lose a fiver if it allows someone to hear the love of Jesus from inside the walls rather than from outside the doors. Many do not agree with me. There are equal amounts of individuals that God has graciously allowed me  to see as like minded people in all walks of Faith and that has  blessed my heart. This is not a derogatory comment on Christians, I am trying to share honestly the struggle I felt feeling called with no destination apparent.

The truth is God isn’t about destinations and clear plans, He is about faith and trust. The bible says all you need is faith the size of a mustard seed. Good thing for me. Mustard seeds are about the size of dot from a sharp pencil and represented my level of faith perfectly. So in short..

• Give up career of dreams because God has called me
• Called me to what ? No clue!
• How do I move forward ? Have faith.
• Faith is minute.
• All is well, minute faith accepted here.
• Wait in extreme confusion and doubt hanging onto almost invisible mustard seed faith.

This is where I found myself . Wife, mother of three little ones, jobless and feeling without purpose despite knowing with certainty I am ‘called’. Fabulous!!

In the middle of this turmoil, and not so quiet discontent, I was invited by a woman I didn’t really know for lunch. New to church and of  similar age and stage with regards to children and the like I thought it was a nice gesture and a chance to get to know her better.  I duly accepted. I was given detailed instructions/directions as they lived in a more rural part of my area . Of course I got lost and could not for the life of me find their property. Many phone calls and directions later I am perched at the top of the steepest driveway I’ve ever seen. Cliff edge would be a better description . So I paused to gather my nerves before I launched myself forth (did I mention it was also curvy ?) . Their home was at the foot of the drive along side two of the biggest greenhouses I have ever seen. Proper commercial structures that seemed to disappear into the horizon . They were completely empty.

After navigating the drive of terror I proceeded to enjoy a lovely home-made lunch and was feeling quite relaxed  in the company of a stranger that looked very much like she may one day be a friend. We were enjoying some light conversation when her husband came in and excitedly planked what looked like a giant sandwich bag full of bird seed in-front of us . Him “well what do you think of that?”. Me “Erm lovely”. (I am of course harbouring fears that newfound friends are mad bird watchers). Then these words came

“Thats a hundred thousand Rowan trees”.

Several weeks later, maybe even a month or two I can’t remember exactly, I was once again invited for lunch. Grateful to be asked back and assured of my appropriateness in response to the seeds I found myself once more at the top of the cliff edge driveway. Again I stopped. Not this time from anxiety of navigating the road but from the sight that greeted me from the greenhouses. They were no longer empty structures they were filled as far as my eye could see with tiny green trees. Little saplings spurting from the soil in anticipation of the beautiful Rowan tree they would one day become. I will not lie it took my breath away.

In that instant the clouds of confusion dropped from my eyes. On my previous visit this guy was not excited by the bag of seeds, he was thrilled by the knowledge of what they would soon become. I knew then my call. To never imagine a person to be just a seed. Instead  know for certain that their is luscious beauty within each of them that is ready to bloom , all it takes is a little belief in their potential. Embrace the knowledge that trees can and do grow everywhere. In greenhouses, in footpaths, in towns and villages , gardens and sea fronts, to name but a few. I did not need to fear my inability to ‘fit into that round hole’, that simply was not part of my calling.

Seven years have passed since this moment and much has changed since then. Some changes have been easy and others have been almost insurmountable. Almost. Not quite. Back to my mustard seed. It’s all it takes. That mere dot of faith has been all God needs to sustain and grow me, my faith and my calling. I believe I will be travelling this road all my life. The end goal may never be known to me, I am only asked to move forward one step at a time. I will NEVER forget those little saplings, all that they represented and it continues to remind me every day of my life of the beauty that is within a seemingly worthless bag of seeds. I do not always see it with my eyes. I am human and I forget, but I try and I will keep trying , always. That is my calling.