Delivering Love

I had a wee impromptu night with one of my girls . It’s not that often we get the opportunity , it’s so easy for days to turn into weeks and weeks into months . Before you know it you haven’t seen their sweet face in so long and that tug on your heart to touch base thankfully drives you to togetherness . Then, when you finally sit one in front of the other, formalities are not a thing , fondness and familiarity invade the time between you and comfort and companionship ensues . What bliss . The restorative power that such times can bring to souls hungry for peace in a hectic and chaotic world . So why then is it something we do only after conscience and heart remind us to remember ? Why is it not our priority? What has happened to western womankind that we have in the midst of our feminist ambitions forgotten the key to real strength . Each other .

This made up a great deal of our conversation last night . It wasn’t intentional .. perhaps it was that sense of belonging and ease that comes from the unconditional acceptance of a true friend that overwhelmed our hearts and led us to talk , for once through our emotions ? I actually think it was less mercenary than that . Over the past few weeks a common love in need has caused us to communicate differently than we normally do . We have actually talked . Proper on the phone voice to voice conversation . My theory is that this sudden “real” connection produced a subconscious knock on effect that led to us having a face to face conversation that could be open and real because we had , even if ever so slightly , improved our connection by actually communicating in person . Yes it was borne out of love and concern for another and yes that was what the bulk of our conversations entailed but the content was irrelevant .

Perhaps it’s the ease with which we can talk of the complicated matters of life . Perhaps it is the unspoken trust that exists between two people brought into the fore . Perhaps it is just hearing the others voice . Maybe it’s the restorative nature of someone caring enough to pick up the phone in the midst of a busy day . Why ? Because that says ‘no matter what .. no matter how pressured my life is , my day is .. I have room for this . For you .’ In doing so a sudden and overwhelming reminder of love is levied and connections are strengthened and love is deepened .

All this from that you say .At face value I saw none of that . It took a conversation of depth and quality to make me look deeper , to delve into the why. My mind has been busy with it all night . I have been wondering why we ignore such precious and important relationships on a day to day basis and why it matters that we don’t .

There is no question in my mind that two of the biggest contributing factors in the refrains we place on our friendships is first the chaotic and overwhelming pace that 2019 society demands we live at and the technology that comes with it . Our lives in effect are no longer our own . We have to demand time for ourselves when really we should be doing the opposite . We should be dividing our time at will , appropriately and with consideration to every part of our existence . The truth is society now demands the opposite . We work , we do whatever is required for the success of that and we take what is left and ration it out the best we can . As women we wrestle with this division of ourselves more than most . We are consumed by guilt .. guilt that we are not working hard enough, guilt over our mothering skills or the lack thereof , guilt around our home making abilities , guilt around our duty to extended family and friends . Guilt about caring for ourselves . We have become slaves to our own guilt and self persecution . We have diluted our own needs so much that we have forgotten at times we even have them . Instead they show themselves as exhaustion, depression, anger, loneliness and misery . Nothing is a greater loss to a woman than having the women around her who love her become reduced to “if and when” situations as opposed to the front and centre life giving supports that womankind has always been one to the other .. since almost time began .

We were made that way . We never question a man’a need for the hypothetical ‘garden shed’ . Whatever that looks like , golf course , pub , gym , football pitch , running track … we accept that , we roll our eyes sometimes at the audacity of it . But we accept it . So why then can we not fight for our right to womanhood … to friendship? Why do we allow men to feel usurped by loving friendships or people to question our commitment to motherhood when we pursue quality time with our friends? Frankly we are not even stepping back in time we are creating new times . Dark times . Sad times . We may have the vote , equality (ahem) careers and the like but our sisters of the past , those who fought for these exact freedoms for their daughters and daughters daughters had at the base of everything in their lives .. each other . I wonder what grief would be imparted on their souls if they realised that their fight for equalities meant the demise of one of our greatest gifts as a uwoman . The ability to bond one with each other . A love that transcends husbands , children , parents … the bond that can last a lifetime like no other .

If we don’t act now , if we don’t take back our womanhood then I am afraid for my daughters . I’m afraid for them that while they will live lives of freedom and equality they will not know what it feels like to have a connection to another human that transcends blood , biology, romance and obligation . That is my fear . That cyber conversations become so normal that face to face connections are awkward and filled with anxiety . That they will never know that joy of catching a friends eye across a table and just “knowing”. That they will lose the ability to fall into laughter at almost nothing and that they will never be able to create a feeling of being only two people in a room full of individuals . That they’ll never grip another’s hand for no reason other than to say I am here .. I love you . That they will not feel that blessing of forever.

Friends don’t divorce each other . They don’t swindle each other . They don’t cheat on each other . Why ? Because it’s a unique and precious bond that does not need or demand exclusivity . The very nature of the connection is so particular that it matters not what other connections each have . Theres together is rare to the point of singular . There’s no jealousy in those friendships . In fact knowing others that are loved by your person only enhances your love for them . Or it should . Because ultimately you should be bonded by the common love and affection you each have and as a result you WANT to value that person . In doing so you show love . It’s not hard . Jealous friendships are not friendships . They are singular, one way interactions that work only on the basis of pleasing self .

So how do we end this catastrophe? How do we make sure that we create a future that doesn’t relegate what we have together as women into history ? I think we must start with recognising what it really is , what it brings … this is what these relationships bring to me

• Unconditional love (regardless of any wrongs or failings)
• Unsurpassed belonging
• Safety
• Trust
• Permanence
• Truth
• Connection
• Life
• Unspoken understanding

Friendship like this is not about listing the people in your life in order of importance . In my opinion true friendship walks a parallel line to all the other loves of our lives . It doesn’t need or want to edge ahead and it never fears being left behind . It is not defined or controlled by anything other than the will of two women determined to keep a constant entity in their lives .

It both transcends understanding and feels utterly natural all at once .

It’s that friendship that some question , judge and have negative opinions of .. whilst also being that friendship that others aspire to .. that demonstrates love and belonging that ignites desire in the hearts of others for their someone . It’s a thing of great beauty . It’s an example to our children of love , devotion and faithfulness . It’s an opportunity to be both safely our worst self while aspiring to be our best .

If this is familiar to you .. and I know for many it is , then ask yourself “am I truly a custodian to the great gift that real friendship is” ? Decide what more you can do to value that and give it its rightful position in your life . Desire to share your gift with others so that they may find their womankind . So they too may know the love of true friends . Watch in wonder as two old ladies wander into a hospital together and remind yourself that they have walked life together since they were young and free teenagers on bus trips to Belgium in the 60’s. Ask yourself who will walk with you when that moment comes . When it’s your husband fighting for life , when it’s your child who has lost his way … who will be walking with you ? Who will be steadying your fears , who will be understanding your heart in unspoken words and necessary companionship ?

You can’t buy it . You can’t earn it . You can’t demand it . You can’t create it . It’s a gift that comes to us and our only action is to recognise it and to treasure it . That’s how we have a hand to hold in dark days and a voice to laugh with when we are weary and worn . Recognising and treasuring . Whatever it takes .

Way back in biblical times a friendship between two men is well documented .. that between David and Johnathon

“Johnathon made a covenant with David because he loved him as his own soul ” 1 Samuel 18:3

Later on David says these words ..

“How I weep for you, my brother Jonathan! Oh, how much I loved you! And your love for me was deep, deeper than the love of women!” 2 Samuel 1:26

It’s not some statement of homosexuality and unfortunately that’s part of 21st century thinking . Love has to be singular to be deep . Anything else is sexuality . Rubbish . David , a man of poetry and wisdom is trying to express the depth of feeling he had for his dear friend . He’s trying to show that it WASN’T romantic love . It was even deeper , perhaps a better word is different or perhaps not . Maybe what David was trying to express was that the ways that he felt for Johnathon were nearest in comparison to that love he had for a woman .. but because it was NOT sexual he knew that such a connection MUST be deeper . How else could he explain it . That’s what I’m talking about here . The inexplicable love that is hard to put into words . That must be protected from sordid connotations and hailed for the wonder it really is .

Ps Michelle .. we need an up to date pic … I cannot do it to you or me – love you x