Delivering Love

Over a number of years I have allowed myself to become slightly ambiguous about life outside of work , family and home . It’s not a good thing . It stemmed from fear and hurt and has never fully abated .

Those reading this who know me somewhat are already a little confused , perhaps scratching their heads . I’m sure many see a outgoing , overly chatty, happy go lucky type woman who is always busy and up to something and are wondering what on earth I’m talking about .

Actually I am all of those things , I’m outgoing , I’m happy go lucky , I’m busy , I’m often up to something … I’m also often exhausted by life , more than a little anxious , sometimes lethargic and regularly fearful of change . In short I’m human . My life is far from perfect , far from where I’d like it to be and far from miserable all at the same time .

No story book , social media perfection here . Any pictures of my kids are coerced , bribed , pleaded .. because they are all at the age of youthful sensitivity and do not want their lives , as they pertain to me anyway, in public view . They are fabulous young people who are making me proud but the truth is they are as interested in me as a snowman is in sunshine . That is normal . That is this stage of life . It has come and it will go but for now I sit on the periphery of their lives while they navigate the discovery of self that is every teens right . I’m not needed in the ways I once was , my presence is merely mandatory and my input rarely requested . Such is the life of mothering teens . Sometimes I am called upon to aid a chronic angst suddenly present , or to help solve a problem or a dilemma , however for the most part I’m like the understudy waiting in the wings torn between the desire to perform and the reality that doing so means “something’s up ” .

Then , very occasionally there is light at the end of the teenage tunnel . A warm body generously joins you on the sofa to watch a mutually enjoyed tv show . A tale is told of some daft teen madness , a opinion is genuinely sought and valued . Even better that rare moment where an I love you is proffered, even if it is by text .. and in that second joy abounds . Surprised by love .

Then what of family . Oh how I love my family . They are life to me … my big rainbow family filled to the brim with characters and chaos . A cacophony of highly independently minded people existing under the banner of committed love . It is a crazy ride at times . Inclusivity comes with a price . It means sacrifice , patience , consistency , annoyance, frustration , forgiveness .. it is NOT a fairytale of beautiful insta pics . Family means accepting situations that given the choice we would rather avoid . It means turning our world upside down because there’s a “man down” . It’s about blending personalities that are on the one hand similar and on the other wildly at odds . Then there are the moments that take your breath away . They are rarely earth shattering , rather they are often mundane . In fact it’s the very simplistic nature of each one that causes you to gasp in wonder . It’s the safety of a daily call that reminds you that you belong , it’s “the look” that needs no words .. it’s the M&S teenie tiny play version of Percy Pigs that you’ve been after for ages . It’s nothing and it’s everything . It’s being surprised by love .

Then there are friends . The people who demand nothing from us but give everything . Often the last text we send in a day and the first placement of a moan in the morning . They know our lives inside and out . They remind us of all those times we have been surprised by love when we are despairing of our families , our teenagers , our lives . They become our sounding boards for life . Our measurement for stability . The calm to our storms .

So why did I start this saying I have at times become ambiguous about life ? Well because I have . Circumstances and situations over the years have tainted my trust in many things . I fear where once I flourished . I am guilty of presumption and reservedness when before I would have revelled . Life has tainted my spirit a little and I find peace in the safety of my everyday life .

How easy is it for us all to fall into this trap . Facilitated by ever increasing means of communication that involves little actual contact , we have learned to function alone while thinking we are not . It has become the norm . Rather than push past the every day trials that life brings we allow ourselves to be cosseted by technological contact and in turn we learn to be all too content alone . The value of human interaction can never , should never , will never be replaced by anything other than flesh and blood . To realise it’s value and it’s strength we must push past the boundaries of closeted existence back into the land of the alive and kicking .

Last weekend I had not one but two social arrangements . I have to admit that I felt my usual apprehension, maybe even indifference at the prospect and I am not too big to admit that I was ashamed of that . It was not lost on me that I had lost something of my joy . All focus was on squeezing such events into a already packed with work weekend . It was a task . Simple .

I must point out that both nights involved being with some of my most loved and beloved friends in this whole wide world . Actual face time , of the non Apple variety with the people I commune with almost daily . Yet here I was somewhat negative and consumed with the semantics of it all .

Fool !! Damn fool !

My evenings were spent wrapped in warmth and contentment . They were rammed full of laughter , mutual understanding , money can’t buy familiarity and .. love . Kisses , cuddles , dancing , holding of hands , laughing till tears caroused cheeks … absolute joy !

Surprised by love !!

How can this be ? These are the people I reach out to daily , they are my soul mates in life , my advisors , my confidents , my councillors , my friends . They know all my worries , all my woes , all my joys and all my trials . So how on earth was I surprised by love ?

It’s simple . No matter how the world moves .. irrespective of how technology develops and influences .. NOTHING , not a single thing in this world is a replacement for in the flesh , real life connection . Where smiley emojis are replaced with actual audible laughs , love hearts become hugs and kisses and the clink of glasses say we are together .

Next time you are surprised by love grab it with both hands , hang on to the priceless beauty of togetherness . And never ever let it go .