Delivering Love

For all the writing I do , rarely do I really write about myself . I’m currently completing a PGCert in Healthcare Chaplaincy and if my tutor has asked me once he’s declared a hundred times that he wants more of ‘me’ . I actually told him at one point that I flat out would not . It surprised me . Not that I didn’t want to but that I felt strongly enough to tell him so . I can read people like the pages of a book , it’s both my curse and my superpower , the ravages of being an empath never more in evidence than when you see what most cannot . I read him and his words told me he was frustrated , the unsaid was an avalanche of anger and dare I say it entitlement . Anger from the challenge ?, I was very direct , anger at not getting an expected reaction? Entitlement that demanded that which was not his to know? I don’t know . I do know that a few days later when we met in person for the first time the interaction was a cautionary tale and I am glad .

I am glad that for once in my life I owned myself . I treasured that which is me enough to fight back and say no . I have never been particularly adept at treasuring myself . I have history presuming that the opinion of others defines me oft times assuming what they see is fact and who I know I am is fiction .

So I ask myself why ? Why, despite being educated , well read, well travelled and entwined with 49 years of experiences , friendships , love and ambitions am I so unwilling to value myself ?

I’ve been pondering this question for many years , in particular the last decade . Nothing to do with being in my 40’s and everything to do with the core of my soul being shattered . That old story of the water that seeps into the centre of the crack in the rock comes to mind . When the cold comes and the apparently harmless stream of water freezes and shatters the rock from the inside out . That was me . The water was the evangelical church and when that steady flow cooled to ice it shattered every fibre of my being . So much so that it has taken me a decade to say that out loud , without excuses , without caveat .

History is our teacher but sometimes we learn the wrong lessons . Repetition should never be the bench mark for absolute. The world has seen many a barbaric dictator, this does not make oppression acceptable . If you constantly steal don’t expect to avoid punishment – that’s an absolute. Being hurt repeatedly is a circumstance that results from the treatment of others , learned behaviour and a poor sense of self worth . It is not an absolute . It is a painful and destructive punishment meted out to those lacking the skill or resilience to object . It is the reason why we must treasure self.

Self esteem is not just something a person is born with – it grows with time , validation and crucially , protection from or mitigation of harm . Modern psychology calls the latter “buffering” and in a world that is ideal we all will strive to buffer those we treasure from harm and the effects there of . But where there is life there is humanity and human beings and with that comes a myriad of circumstances that cannot be controlled . The day that hunger , poverty of mind body and soul , child abuse , domestic violence , war , bigotry, fascism , racism and all ills of the world are stamped out , I suspect there will be no world .

So until perfection we can only repair and protect . So why not of our self ? There’s a gazillion books to be read on boundaries , self care , self love , personal development . I just want to be able to be content with the soul that resides within me . To do that I suspect I have to truly know her and beyond that truly love her first .

So we return to the shattered brokenness and the legacy left behind . It seems more and more to me to be a decision that’s needed . I can not put all those shattered pieces back together any more than any other person . So do I go to the “experts” like some piece of broken china and have it all glued back together and repainted to near perfection ? Or do I remember that paint and glue are but disguises to truths that can never be changed and instead embrace the brokenness ? I chose the latter but it comes with responsibilities.

A broken vessel can be repaired but each crack represents fragility . Some more precarious than others . Those weak spots that will forever need to be treated with just a little more care . Again there’s a choice . Do we put ourselves on a metaphorical high shelf and stay safe but isolated or do we shield out vulnerable parts and turn that which remains strong into full view , enriched and out there? For me survival and protection starts with knowing that I am mine .

Someone recently described how they saw me , how they had always seen me . It completely unravelled me . I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone describe me as I truly feel I am before and it was a beautiful but unsettling experience . One that I am still trying to process , not least of all because it served to remind me of all the times I have allowed the manipulative opinions of others to shrink me to nothing. I heard only what hurt and did not see what was loved and valued . This is the pattern of my life and it’s one that I am determined to alter .

None of us should live less than we are . Who we are is not irrelevant . It’s not about heady heights it’s about being wholly and completely self . That’s not (as I have probably believed all my life) selfish or narcissistic. It’s embracing the mind body and soul we were created to be , in all it’s wonder and mystery . No human being is entitled to every part of who we are . No person can dictate what we are not . Our worth is not measured in the negative opinions of others but in the moments of real love , where we are treasured , valued and validated . When we allow ourself to value that which is our own and protect our inner self we free who we really are .

Like sun bouncing off water , the landscape of our life changes, often , but it’s a glistening treasure just waiting to be discovered .