Delivering Love

In the past few months I have witnessed several of my ‘tribe’ shed their heartache down the contours of their face. The impact of sorrow is always profound, but somehow the tears of a friend run deeper than most. It feels like they reach crevices within our hearts that we otherwise don’t attend, it touches a low note in our souls. It has left me wondering if there is a weapon in this world that can wound a person more than the sincere tears of a friend? It also serves as a reminder that friendship traverses depths few other relationships ever manage. For me my friendships are life itself, the difficulties and risks far outweighing any possible negatives. However it amazes me how reticent so many people are to experience real friendship, the cynicism felt and how misunderstood such life changing relationships can be.

Friends are our anchor in stormy seas, the wisdom in our stupidy. They are the family we chose and soul mates that last a lifetime. We find them in our childhood, our school days, our adolescence and our mature years. We make them in our workplaces, our educational establishments, walking the dog.. any place imaginable can become the platform that hosts a meeting between two souls destined to share a lifetime of friendship together.

Unlike some relationships,where the opposites attract mantra prevails, real friends must be the same. Not literally , in their nature, personality, musical tastes or the like. What they must share are hearts that beat the same. Two people, that, when all is said and done, know instinctively the values felt by the other in any given situation. Agreement on such is immaterial, indeed the best friendships often find very differing views are at the core , the strength comes from the ‘knowing’ . That type of love, loyalty, and understanding which is yours, regardless. The ability of another to stand resolutely beside you as you navigate what matters to you, because you matter to them. No alterior motive, none of the reciprocative obligations of a spouse or parent or child, just simple unconditional presence.

It is unfortunate that the word ‘friend’ covers such a broad spectrum of relationships. Unlike other titles it is somewhat non spefcific in it’s interpretation. So we use various adjectives to try to emphasise the value of certain friendships ; besties, best-friend, bosom-buddies etc. It just doesn’t quite cut it for me. For any SATC fans there is a scene where Big and Carrie have just married in a local registrars office, all very hush hush. He suddenly opens a swing door to reveal her three friends whom he has invited to celebrate their nuptials. He, the groom, anounces them to be the ‘loves of her life’ and truly I have rarely heard real friendship described better. Grey’s Anatomy fans will know that two of the female lead characters describe their friendship as being each others ‘person’. Derived from a moment when one was about to have a surgical procedure and declared the other as her ’emergency contact person’. This blog is about those types of friendships. The ones who are the loves of your life, the people who have become or could become your people, your person.

I have long believed that we ‘fall in love’ with our friemds. Just like other love relationships it can happen suddenly or it can happen over time. Maybe one ‘feels it’ slightly more than the other to begin with, sometimes it’s love at first sight for all involved. It is not uncommon for the deepest of friendships to begin with doubt and uncertainty. Regardless , there is a connection that is unmistakable. Sometimes a reluctance that is unsettling. Most true friendships require effort of one kind or another. Maybe the relationship and understanding between the two parties is very natural but the circumstances of the two lives vastly differ. Life (work, home, family etc) can often be the speed bump that slows the development of friendship relationships. Perhaps one or both have experienced wounds in friendship that run so deep they find themselves behind an almost impenetrable wall and it takes patience and time to dismantle the bricks of protection enough to allow a relationship to grow.

The difference between casual friendship, aquaintences and deep, soul connections is the willingness or lack thereof to want more, know more and to wait for more. I just don’t believe it is possible to cognitively ‘chose’ . I believe it’s a choice made by the heart. If it was left to our heads we would all live in a world of casual associates. This theory for me is borne out in the decreasing willingness and or tolerance we exhibit as we age for new friendship relationships. Falling in friend love is just as tricky and just as hard as falling in love love. The only real difference for me is that friendship connections only happen when there is obviously reciprocation. Romantic love is easily more treacherous in it’s discovery and development and mistakes in how one feels about the other oft made. People who connect deeply in friendship only do so when they are both involved. Whether they are both willing to develop that which has come so naturally is a differnt matter.

The harder I try to pinpoint what it is that makes two people more than simply treasured acquaintances and instead deep and loyal friends the more I am certain of the answer. The law of attraction.

In basic terms the law of attraction is when we receive what we put out into the world. If we give love, we receive love. If we give negativity we will feel negative etc. There are three components to the law of attraction and none exist in isolation. The three laws being :

• The law of attraction ,in this case friendship, I am open to edxperience real friendship
• The law of Asking , meaning asking the universe, God, your soul, whatever you feel, to bring real friendship to you (people are often surprised to realise that their subconscious acts on their behalf)
• The Law of Allowing, I am willing, I am worthy, I am open to experience friendship in its fullness.

Where most people trip up is in the law of allowing. Yes they want friendship, they put that out there and it all sounds wonderful in theory. Until it is actually presented to them. It’s right there for the taking and suddenly the game changes. Fear sets in, fear of failure, fear of being failed, fear of being unworthy, fear of being ‘discovered’ as unworthy, fear of happiness and fear of bringing unhappiness. Fear of being hurt, fear of having to consider another, fear of reciprocation .. the list is very long and sadly it derails so many beautiful friendships before they have even begun.

It is lies. I know this because the questions only come AFTER the proposition has been made. The friendship is already present, what is waiting is for it to deepen, to reach its full potential. The connection has been established naturally and without effort, but to really feel the joy and love that such relationships offer we have to be prepared to take risks. To challenge and be challenged . To give and to receive. To love and to be loved. To be trusted and to trust. We all have that inner radar that tells us when something feels right or someone for that matter. What we have to watch out for is for the interfernece that threatens our radar. We have to be willing to question our doubts and hesitations. What is really grating at us? Is it a superficial excuse that is tempting us back to the comfortably unfulfilling status quo we had before or is it deeper? Are we so afraid to risk our hearts that we deprive ourselves of something that could add so much to our lives? Are we afraid we will love too much? Are we afraid we will not love enough? Are we afraid we will be loved too much or not enough? Why can friendship be so difficult?

Our relationship habits, like all our habits are set early in our development. Some may say in our formative first four years. Bowlby’s theory of attachment tells us that our ability to attach is set in our first year of life! The belief being that we are all born with a predisposition to need attachment. It is defined by the four ‘S’s :

• Feeling Safe
• Feeling Seen
• Feeling Soothed
• Feeling Secure

I know people who reads this blog come from all over the world (mind still blown and heart eternaly gratefully), where you hail from, your age and season of life will determine, I think, how this relates to you. I can only write from my own perspective. I grew up in the early 70’s in a working class town in Scotland. I still live in the same area and I work in this environment too. For those who don’t know I am a specialist palliative care chaplain, I work in a hospice and every day I deal with people facing either their own demise or that of a loved one. Those I care for hail from every possible walk of life. They are economically diverse, socially diverse and their personal circumstances as unique as they are.

From the outside the presumption may simply be that I am preparing people for death, and sometimes that is true. A far greater reality is that often, the impending death of a person or a person’s loved one, sets into motion a cascade of emotions that otherwise would have remained hidden or suppressed. Sometimes this comes in the form of regrets, sometimes it visits as fear, too often it is the silent and overwhelming realisation that there is no more time and no more opportunity and the deep grief that accompanies such a realisation. This type of grief is so powerful that it can enourmously impact a person, pain is difficult to manage, agitation cannot be controlled, suffering becomes an impenetrable shield. In palliative medicine this is known as ‘total pain’. It’s why people like me are employed in health care settings. Medicine, nursing care and treatment often is not enough. Those patients who are willing to ‘go there’ and do a ferocious deep dive into their pain almost always find relief. Too many simply cannot undo the habits of a life time and comfort alludes them. So why is this relevant to our blog today?

There are so many reasons that make a person reluctant to be open and honest with themselves and others. Culture, upbringing , life experiences all contribute to how well we have been buffered by the four S’s of attachment. It is rare that all of us can truly say we experienced all four. Simple put we are born to imperfect people who, as we do now, react and love with the legacy of their own experiences influencing how they do that. If you were raised in a world where children were to be seen and not heard or if your parents had strong views on gender and roles you cannot possibly have felt adequately ‘seen’. If you were a product of the ‘just get on with it’ generation or the ’emotion is weakness’ gang then you will not only be lacking in being ‘soothed’ but also in being ‘seen, secure and safe’.

So rocket forward into adult relationships, especially ones that you may interpret, through learned behaviour, as surplus , e.g – friendship, and suddenly you have little to no capability to navigate the emotions that have encircled you. Feelings that should be experienced as joyous, such as being loved and appreciated are instead viewed with suspicion and are a source of angst. You may even find yourself deeply frustrated and possibly even angry at a person who is quite literally showing you unconditional care and affection. Why? Becuase you are not wired to feel secure, safe, soothed or seen by anyone. What is genuine becomes suspicious. What is good becomes uncomfortable and what is possible becomes impossible.

Que the need for a psychological circuit breaker. If you find yourself overwhelmed when you experience emotion that feels outwith your control (good or bad) , if negative emotions tend to prevail in your head, if you find ways to shut down and supress your feelings, if you find yourself enjoying attachments then suddenly you close yourself off to the same then you probably have dissmissive attachment styles and you need a circuit breaker. Obviously this blog is not a psychotherapy session and is basic in its approach, but you get the drift.

If you want to break a circuit you have to identify those little warning sparks that are a sure fire indicator that you are about to shut down something becuase of your attachment weaknesses. Maybe you have been enjoying a friendship, you have felt relaxed enough to briefly let your gaurd down and share some of your true inner self. What you might experience is a thought along these lines ‘this is all a bit uncomfotable, she’s getting too close, I don’t need this, what does she really want from me, I’m happy as I am’. You begin catstrophising that which is normal ,you don’t feel safe. You realise the person has seen you and rather than this be a positive reaction it is a fearful one. You are anything but soothed as you are hard-wired not to trust and rather than being secure in the knoweldge that someone has loved you enough to see you , you are deeply unsettled.

If we can identify these ‘sparks’ and try to push through to the other side then we can start to break the unhealthy circuit. What is sad is that friendship makes more space for this than any other type of relationship. In friendhsip we are not obligated to meet every need of a person, they may have a spouse, partner, children, other friends, family members.. a friend is someone who adds to our life. A friend is someone who has chosen to see us, to get to know us. It is a want not a need. So how do we start to break that circuit when we feel the ‘spark’ as above.

The answer is so simple it is overlooked. We tell them. We tell them that we are struggling. We say that we find it hard to accept their care, attention and love. We tell them what frightens us, what would help us to navigate uncharted waters and we allow the person to rise to the occasion.

Yes there are risks. Yes it may not work out , but what if it does? What if we open oursleves up to new possibilities? What if we remind oursleves what real friendship can be. How loyalty and love from a friend can bring solace and peace into the darkest situations. How having a friend means being understood without a word being said. How life giving it is to know love that stands by your side and on your side even when the world slips away from you. How the laughter of a friend can heal and how the ‘knowing’ of little things creates security and safety that brings joy and security strong enough to weather all and every storm.

For me the benefits of having those ‘loves of your life’ far exceed any risks. I have to remind myself of this often, especially as I get older and the surprise of a possible ‘new friend’ presents me with a familiar but unhelpful anxiety. I have decided that if someone new triggers that feeling of friendship love then life must know I’m missing something. My ‘people’ are magnificent and it is easy to feel that it is all I need and ignore that which appears as if from nowhere. A heart always has room for more, if more is needed. We rarely know what is best for ourselves, but I believe in fate. I believe that what we need, if we are open to it, will present. All we are responsible for is a willingness to receive.

To the loves of my life , and they know exactly who they are because I tell them every chance I get .. thank you for being my people 💕 life is infinitely better because of you .