Delivering Love

“They tell me that time won’t erase , the way that my heart sees your face” Let me say once more Gary Chapman

Yesterday I heard a story that broke my heart . A story that all at once shows that love can be both healing and destructive at the same time . Love is an emotion, it is a right , it is consuming , it is life giving , it is soul destroying . The presence or absence of it can determine thedestiny of whole lives, whole generations .. history !

Much is written about ‘attachment’ ‘mental health disorders’ ‘addictions’ ‘grief’ ‘trauma’ ‘abandonment’ ‘abuse’ ‘anger’ and so the list goes on … but where are the clinical studies about love? You cannot simply package love into one or all of the above categories and expect this to suffice . How can our society ever heal , thrive , be whole if we chose to ignore the consequences of love ?

So much in our lives come down to choice . The circumstances we face may present little by the way of options but our reactions are our own choosing . We can decide how we exhibit or control our anger , we may not be able to send it away like a unwanted package but we can find ways to avoid its grip , to minimise it’s hold . We can chose . So why then do people like to associate anger and love as similar emotions ? Love cannot be chosen , it cannot be forced nor can it be simply cast aside because circumstances dictate it would be wiser if it wasn’t there . In situations where this seems to have occurred I suspect that true love in its purest form was not present in the first place .

Love is so much more than simply an emotion . It is a living entity . It is powerful and consuming and has the ability to build and destroy at will .. in some respects it is like a perfect storm. A whole number of circumstances that come together to create an event that will change a person entirely . It is often unexpected in its nature and breathtaking in its ferocity .

The nature of human reproduction is like no other in the animal kingdom. We are the only creatures who have choice in our reproduction . We do not copulate at will through instinct but are designed to reproduce through relational love . So from the very beginning of our existence love is at the heart of our design . Many studies have shown that babies carried in the womb of a woman who suffers trauma, heartache, stress and the like will have an increased likelihood of these same tendencies. In fact their very entrance into this world can be hampered when events overtake the purity of love and nurture in the process of childbirth. It is a high risk affair where the outcome is dramatically altered and the results considerably improved when Mum is allowed to feel peace , security , ease … to feel cherished to feel loved . Such an environment will dramatically reduce the need for medical intervention and that little baby has the greatest chance of having a head start in this rocky world . Love is important in the womb , it is important for when we exit the womb . We can call it attachment or whatever term is in vogue but it all comes down to love . To make a human a human needs to be loved .

So what of the situations where that woman is not loved , not cherished , not cared for . What if she has been long abandoned to addiction or abuse or she simply has never experienced love in any real way ? Do we see her with eyes of deep compassion ? Do we judge? Do we expect her to behave as we would behave and ignore all the reasons why she cannot ? Do we adopt the age old adage of “there but by the grace of God go I”? Or do we turn our heads the other way ? The thing is regardless of rhetoric or opinion it will not alter that love in some form has established .

Just because a person is incapable of loving enough does not mean that the love they have or the love they need is a mute point . What mother among us can say with sincerity that they have never put something , someone or some situation before their children ? We want to believe that it’s different for us. It’s not . It’s just the realities of our circumstances dictate just how significant this poor prioritising will be on our child . Those of us who have the world before us , who are getting by not so badly can mitigate our selfish mistakes . We can claw it back . We can breathe a sigh of relief and move on . How does that make us any different from the broken girl , abandoned and abused who hides herself in the bottom of a bottle or a syringe ? It’s just their circumstances mean their mistakes are more dramatic , more impactful, Mire obviously devastating . I just don’t believe its because they love their children less .

Of course this is not the fault of an innocent child and of course they must be protected. However it seems to me that this approach hasn’t altered much over the decades . Some may rise and overcome their disastrous beginnings others simply may not . This is never more obvious when siblings take diverse paths in life . It is not that one had a more decent or determined heart than the others or the opposite , it’s simply that for some this lack of love is catastrophic to their very being . So with that in mind why are we not tackling love ?

The best school I’ve ever come across flaunts protocol and embraces its wildly vulnerable children . Literally . Because sometimes when you are 5 the ideas of psychologists , politicians and advocates just don’t make up for the fact that your knee is scraped , your Mum is lost and your life is in tatters and nobody has held you in their warm arms in forever . In other words , they need a cuddle . What about the Mum failing on every level of life and parenting , lost in a cycle of despair and failure .. is it possible that amidst the processes of child protection , mental health intervention and the like she also needs someone to simply say “in this moment it doesn’t matter who is at fault or the mistakes you are making , just for a second can I say you are worthy of being loved”? Maybe you think I sound like an old hippie healing the world one hug at a time . Far from it . Love hurts . Loving hurts . Loving is not always a rewarding task often it’s painful , sacrificial and at times it can feel utterly thankless. But still love is the answer . I believe it .

If I’ve to lose in life I’d rather lose loving . It isn’t stupid . It isn’t unwise . It’s simple . Human beings need to be loved . At times that’s only possible from a distance because circumstances mean that those closest just haven’t the reserves anymore. If we all could love someone just that little bit more , regardless of who they are , what they may have done we would ease each other’s burdens one to the other . Do not judge your fellow man as a fool when they give their heart over and over again . Basque in the trail of love that is left behind and harness some of it to ease your own heart .

Value every soul that loves you truly . They may be few . They will be few . If they are not in existence then let me assure you that by offering love to someone else you will open the door to your own heart . Don’t ever assume that the sum of someone’s mistakes defines the worthlessness of their heart . Behind the most consistent failure lies a heart that is shattered in a million pieces . Do not grind those pieces to dust instead take two of them and piece them together . It may be only two in a million but it’s a start . It’s a start to wholeness . It will often be thankless and more often without any real satisfaction but as you reach into the mess of another’s misery you step one step further away from your own .

For Tammy x