Delivering Love

A year ago today I was tucked up in bed , deep in slumber and dreaming of my soon to arrive holidays . My phone rang and in a haze of deep sleep and semi-consciousness I heard my dad’s voice tell me that it seemed like my sister was having a stroke . Nobody wants a call like that . Nobody can compute such information having been dragged unnaturally from their rest . But when the victim is 36 years old . When it’s your sister . It adds up to confusion and disbelief . My dad was trying to sound calm but it was clear that anxiety penetrated every word he spoke . The reality of danger was unmistakable.

I’m the ‘nurse’ of the family so it’s my role in a medical crisis to be calm . To sort out the difficult to understand and to translate that to everyone else . Words were being banded around “Ateplase” “May cause death?” “What do you think ?” “She needs you” “no time must decide now” . I cannot tell you how I got to the hospital . I have no memory of it . I do remember arriving in the stroke unit to be greeted by a sight I will never forget . A panic stricken sister, paralysed completely on one side, slurred speech, many tears , distress. It was terrifying . The drugs were sat on the bedside cabinet and the decision it seemed had been made . She couldn’t risk death , she was too young , the odds too poor . She’d take her chances . Relief for me that such a decision was no longer mine , anxiety that it wasn’t the right choice . Fear of the wild unknown unfolding before our eyes .

In all my years both professionally and as a consumer I have never been so impressed by a hospital team as I was of this stroke unit . Patient advocacy at its very best . Nursing at its most profound and determined . Dr’s trying to balance the impossible . I asked the nurse specialist if the right choice had been made and she emphatically , reassuringly , said yes . Way more to consider than just a simple “let’s reverse this”. A young woman . A mother to two . A whole life . It takes a badass and competent professional to be so assured . It takes a incredible human being to offer hope in the midst of such a dark storm . So we would wait .

We would wait to see what was next . Would there be healing , restoration , normality ? Would she have what it takes to overcome ?

Would we?

The morning brought a fresh wave of trauma . Somehow we hoped that the daylight would signal the end of a nightmare . The dawning of a day where 36year old women weren’t paralysed and stricken . Alas no . So you breathe in and do what you can . You braid hair that’s 5 shades of lilac, silver and blonde, bereft that it’s young fashionable owner cannot do so herself . You thank staff for securing a single room . You giggle at fellow (very elderly) patients stealing fluffy designer sliders . You try to make sure the important people are in the loop . You tell inappropriate jokes to your loved one assuring them that their “squinty smile” is endearing and fabulous . You meet best friends in the corridor to prepare them for the sight that will greet them . You comfort the same best friends as they leave , shocked . Traumatised . You visit brand new babies born that very day in the same hospital . You weep at the thought of having to leave the country for a long holiday wishing there was any way in the world you didn’t need to go . That’s what you do .

You leave the country bereft and under the assurances of your best friends that they will “be you” . It’s not enough . You thank God for easy access to transatlantic telephone and FaceTime . While cursing time differences and distance . You sound cheerful when you speak to someone who remains in a state of confusion and paralysis . You pretend . You buy presents hoping that somehow it makes up for everything. It doesn’t . You are grateful beyond words for dads and mums and best friends but all the while are furious that you are not the person there , doing what needs to be done .

You make posts on Facebook to try and stem the unbelievable amount of well wishes and kindnesses that are simply overwhelming. You see those same words used and abused by amoral journalists looking to fill empty columns . You watch in despair as press and social media alike revel in the discomfort and trauma of your family . You shake your head in despair that somehow being beautiful , smart and ambitious is a caveat to being permitted decency , privacy , compassion .

You watch that lovely vibrant woman have railings fitted . You know she cries every day with the sheer effort of life . You want to help , do everything , but you’ve been told this is what’s best . She must overcome . You get excited by smiles that are more ‘lopsided’ than full on squinty . You praise every walk, every effort , every tiny little achievement . You watch over many months as life starts to flow from the hands of therapists and professionals into the body of a woman who should need nothing but lipstick and laughter . You simply learn to hope, pray and ignore.

Hope for strength . Patience . Dignity . Resilience .

Pray for healing . Peace . Determination. Love

Ignore haters . Liars. Selfishness.

And then slowly but surely the sun starts to come out . Much has changed . Lives are changed . Hearts are changed . Emotions are charged . There is a tsunami of healing and growing that must come . The journey is far from over. It’s only beginning .

Now a year later the girl in the bed with the squinty smile , the left side of her body dead to her , wearing braids in her hair put there by her helpless big sister is not the same . She is infinitely stronger . Impossibly wiser . Generous in her gentleness and willingness to understand . She grew . She morphed . She moulded herself . She took lemons and made lemonade .

And still there are those who know nothing but have opinions on everything . Those who claim to know better than all the nurses , Drs , medics , friends and family who walked this road with her . Those who feel that it’s not too cheap a shot to ridicule someone’s health to suit there own end . I struggle with this . I detest it with every fibre of my being . If it weren’t for my understanding of the insidious nature of the media I would have had my say long ago . It would not have been beneficial and I’ve learned over this past year that it’s also unnecessary. Let those who must say what they will . We who were there , we who love her , we know . We know what was then . We know what has been and what is now . Nothing else matters .

In the words of the smallest ‘talking’ member of our family

“Why did Aunty’s face do dat?”

We will never probably know . We do know however that we got through it . She got through it . Together and with love , soul searching , determination and commitment to each other she once more stands . This time stronger . Ironically ,considering the one sided paralysis, more balanced in mind and body than ever before . 1 year has passed and we may never truly know why Aunty’s face did that but we do know that together , as a family of friends and loved ones , we can get through anything .

June 2017

June 2018