Delivering Love

As emotional loops go l,this week for me has been quite something . Motherw poorly and hospitalised , husbands out of work , friends battling the worst of illness , cousins facing life changing cancer diagnosis .. it has felt painful and raw , at times very overwhelming and difficult to process .

Yesterday Pete and I made a trip into town to do a favour for our son and to grab a few things . Two of our grand babies managing , as ever, to sneak along for the ride . It was a very cold and frosty day here in Glasgow , minus temperatures and crispy sunshine. Actually my favourite weather .

The streets of our great city overflowing with eager Christmas shoppers.. festive music every where we turned , the various Christmas lights that dance across Glasgow’s Christmas providing a glittering backdrop that made it hard to be in any way bah humbug . It was honestly beautiful . Buchanan street was filled with buskers , some bag piping , kids street dancing , old men putting on cutesy dancing Christmas creatures in memory of their children .. the usual Glasgow melting pot vamped up somewhat . The kids loved it .. we did too ..

Of course , like every city , we have our shame too . Homelessness is a tragic endemic that shows no signs of ever disappearing. Not just the beggars with their cups or the souls asleep in filthy doorways . Yesterday I saw more than ever before the generation of respectable homeless .. if you like . People walking around with wheelie cases and bags filled with their belongings .. filling the long hours between the close and opening of night shelters . I could not help but be moved by the contrast of people lugging around bags bursting with gifts full of festive spirit and those trudging the streets with bags that hold the meagre possessions of their life .

I felt very frustrated by these contrasts , actually deeply emotional .

We had a few moments with a guy huddled under a sleeping bag .. I was struck by his obvious withdrawal symptoms . In my world they’d say he was “rattling” . He had a pained look on his face , I know that look , withdrawal is horrific under any circumstances , but to be feeling it alone and without warmth or belonging . He was not particularly focussed or even wholly “present” . He was staring into space and when we got closer it was obvious he was sitting quietly weeping . My heart was crushed . The sadness and despair was more evident than any denial could ever hope to whitewash . Human misery laid bare , raw and without solution . As it turns out I had no money , we did get him warm food .. but let me tell you something that will probably shock you , maybe even disgust you .

If I had had any money on my person I would have given him it and if it had bought him a fix I not only wouldn’t have felt cross I would have felt relief .

As you recoil with horror let me at least explain why ..

Addiction is never a choice . Nobody wakes up and says I think I will become addicted to … X , Y or Z . People start on a path that leads to addiction . And it is a path . At that moment it’s an innocuous little wander down the unknown . Whether it’s a little alcohol , a dabble in substance , a draw of nicotine , a coin in a slot … so many little paths . The problems start when people have nothing that calls them back from the path . No voice in their head that says .. ok enough of this wee path time to get onto the main road again . Nobody that hollers from the distance for them encouraging them back from their wanderings .. and worst of all there are those who are afraid of the road and find the path a blessed escape . The road for them is not a Main Street of family , friends , work , commitment , love and purpose .. too often it’s a car crash of life’s misery .. it’s a fearful situation they have run from . And for so many they have left the crash scene injured . The path for them feels good , better , less pain , less suffering .. until it’s not . Who sees that coming ? Not a one . Zip . Zero .

The difference between the addict rattling and in need of their next fix and the everyday addiction free person is resilience , opportunity and love .

Resilience , some are born with it , some are born devoid of it . Even siblings from the same circumstances can exhibit vast differences in their levels of natural resilience. Next time you think or hear something like “well his brother had the same issues but he made better choices” stop yourself . Choice is a misnomer . In day to day language .. the resilient brother is a “coper” or “strong” , he has an innate ability to resist being entirely overwhelmed by his situation. Resilience can be taught , developed , nurtured .. but the rub is this .. we must give this to our children .. and by ‘our’ I mean the children of the world we inhabit . We must not delay .

Opportunity – if you think an addict has a million options out there then you are misinformed . Addiction services are at breaking point with many of them third sector organisations operating on a shoe string . The truth is people prefer to give to things they can relate to .. animals , cancer charities , children … we want the addicts to get help but we aren’t so keen to contribute to it . Opportunity also has to mean understanding. The best services acknowledge that failure and relapse are part of the condition and they not only don’t give up they fight when the person cannot . Others dismiss all but the most successful.

Then there’s love . What can any human achieve if they have no love in their life ? No love from others . No place to put the love they feel so acutely for people they often have lost through the behaviours and symptoms of their addictions . Yes addicts have regrets and pain . And no it is not powerful enough to help them overcome . Only someone who has never had an addiction would ever presume that love was enough to “motivate someone” . Regardless of mistakes every person is entitled to love . Yes every person . Unfair and horrific as that may be. In my line of work I encounter the very worst that humanity can do . I also encounter the people who continue to love the perpetrators of such . I often see the latter abused by others . Are they afraid of what they cannot understand? Or perhaps they are just levying a tariff on love that has a ceiling ?

So back to my day in town . We left this poor soul as we found him , knowing that hot food , a hug and blessing would barely even touch his shattered void . It was all we could give at that moment and I assure you the inadequacy of this brutalised my heart .

Our two little grand babies aged 3 & 5 now suddenly aware of every person in a blanket on the ground and understanding they have , as Mirren put it “no homes at all” . These little ones however are loved , they are being taught how to be resilient and they are having every opportunity we who love them can muster poured into their lives . So there was also much giddy antics in toyshops and Disney stores . Terrific fun over cheap little stretchy lizards and glitter balls .

As ever Ollie could have been happy in a desert because his happiness is borne from being with his idol and his best friend – his pappy . He needs nothing more , just being part of pappy’s world made ollie’s universe that little bit more amazing . His joy knew no bounds and he liberally shared that with us .

Mirren is more of a deep soul . The best part of her day was buying her mummy a matching love heart key chain – the same as the one we had fixed onto the zipper of her coat . She put this present in her pocket and checked it was still there at least 100 times throughout the day. Her greatest joy was being able to give a little happiness to someone else . How proud this makes me I have no words to express .

So this was our day : I blubbered a few times , sadness got the better of me thinking of friends who deserved to be enjoying these simple joys instead of fighting for their lives . Pain in my heart every time the unmistakable agony etched in the face of the homeless man danced across my mind .

And in a brief moment of clarity I recognised that I was also in a state of gratitude . Sometimes it takes misery and suffering to help us to value what otherwise could be seen as a chore or simply mundane . I realised that I was not frustrated by queues 64 people deep (true fact ) . Or that walking at snails pace with two little ones was actually pleasant not a frustration . I was , unconsciously counting my blessings .

As we made our way back up Buchanan street towards the car there was a little African man with a wee amp and a mike . He was a street preacher (something that I am guilty of being disparaging of .. not the message .: I believe the message .. just the mike .. dump it and go and sit with the lost and suffering like Jesus did – but I digress ). He was chatting with a homeless man and both had big smiles on their faces . He happily handed the mike over to the old homeless guy and off he went , in tuneless melody regaling people with song. As only Glaswegians can , he was encouraged by whoops and cheers , by the preacher and the shoppers . He ended his song with gusto and walked on as the pedestrian lights turned in his favour .

Throughout the day I did see lots of people give Starbucks and donuts and other things to many of the homeless . It truly helped my heart to know that many others in the busyness of Christmas city shopping also saw with their hearts and could put their judgements aside to meet simple needs .

As for the homeless singer – fittingly he belted out a few choruses of

” I will always love you ”

My prayer is that I and others will chose always to love .