Delivering Love

Before I even start to type my words I will caveat this blog with a ‘likely to offend’ warning. Actually no likely about it , this blog WILL offend . Why write it then ? Because I truly believe that there’s no good feeling something without nailing your colours to the mast. This blog was always about how I love, why I love . Sharing my calling in life , my experiences. Hoping that maybe once in a while a word or a phrase may bring peace to someone’s heart and give them the feeling of love that is so absent from so many. With all this considered, then this little blog is long overdue. To those who identify, my heart and love to you . To those who are offended , try to step back before you accuse and see the heart behind the ‘horror’.

Unless you’ve been living under a brick in the UK you will have noticed a Channel 4 drama called “It’s a Sin”. It charts the lives of 5 young flat mates in the 80’s at the beginning of the AIDS crisis in Britain. It’s incredibly well written, beautifully acted and from my perspective and slight personal knowledge, accurately portrayed. It’s not for everyone, not because of the subject matter, but more because of the explicit and graphic nature of many scenes. However this is a drama that pulls no punches. It tells the story as it is , and that includes promiscuity and abandon. It shows the whole spectrum of familiar reactions to both a loved one being gay and having AIDS. We see outright abandonment , physical harm, rejection, secrecy, ignorance, grief, devastation and love. Perhaps the plethora of ignorance on every level, the gay populace included, being the most sensitively and brutally handled of all. Frankly it’s an emotional rollercoaster that leaves you breathless , not least of all because this was all barely 30 years ago.

I had gay friends in the 80’s. Two in particular. I loved them dearly. I love them still. Theirs were lives cocooned in spectacular secrecy, not only because of the obvious abhorrence of 80’s society in general , but because these men were Christians. Their very existence, life as it was, in constant jeopardy. Why? Fear. Fear of people finding out . Fear of rejection . Fear of loss of family, friendships, life as they knew it . Fear FOR their families , fear for themselves , but more than anything , fear of the unknown . Fear of a world that, at that time, showed little in the way of willingness to understand, accept and allow human beings to simply live their own lives in peace.

Their community was mostly to be found in the pubs and clubs of the gay scene , that was where safety and acceptance could be found, where normality was finally felt and where fears were, for a while, left to the side. Those omnipresent fears never truly abated , in some small part I felt them myself. I worried , I feared, I knew without any doubt in my mind what lay ahead for these friends of mine should they chose to live their lives honestly and openly . Their stories are not mine to tell, both have successful, happy lives , neither have achieved this without significant struggles or sacrifices. Neither have any part of any organised faith institution. Both have assured me of their on going torments over a faith in God that was real, misaligned by teaching that says they are abhorrent and unworthy UNLESS they renounce who they are.

Let me be clear I say WHO they are and not WHAT they are deliberately. The terms are not interchangeable . A nurse is what someone is , they could chose to become a teacher, saleswoman, plumber etc if they so desired. Being gay is WHO someone is . In the same way that someone who is 5ft flat cannot decide to become taller or smaller. A gay person cannot decide to become straight. Abstinence does not make them straight it makes them celibate. Enforced singleton status does not make them straight it makes them alone. Never mentioning their sexuality in public does not make them straight it makes them a false witness to their true self. When we reject any segment of the population based on who they are we are in fact dooming human beings to a mere existence. We are rejecting someone . We are deliberately NOT loving . We are choosing to place our own beliefs and opinions ahead of the intrinsic need of love and acceptance that all human beings need.

You need be no scholar of theology to know that the bible (translation dependent ) talks of love almost 600 times. We are told how to love , who to love, why we must love. In no place whatsoever does it tell us who NOT to love, or WHY we should not love. Christianity (among other faith groups ) gingerly tip toes around this issue of who not to love using phrases that any churchgoing individual will be familiar with . Perhaps the most incongruous of them all “love the sinner hate the sin”. So here we are in a situation where the bible, the word of God,tells us in Mathew’s gospel to “judge not lest we be judged’; however we, as pious Christians, have decided to ignore that because we are to love the sinner not the sin. Erm news flash . If we are loving someone in spite of their sin my presumption is we are deciding there’s sin in the first place right ? So judgement here we come , but it’s ok because we are only judging so we can love … all is well right ? No !

I could almost buy into this argument but for its liberally biased usage. If every Christian or religious person operated under this mantra and did so towards all in their stratosphere, maybe I could concede a little. Maybe. The truth however is startlingly different. This particular mantra is rolled out for the big hitting “sins”. Namely the ‘sex ones’. The gays, the adulterers (unless you’re a popular leader and public figure in which case your sins are hidden and you’re excused because of your sex addiction, bless you), the addicts, the jail birds, the single mums, the ‘backsliders’ (what does that even mean). NEVER in all my years of ‘church’ have I heard this phrase used concerning the gossips , the bitches, the arrogant, those with dubious business practices, the domestic abusers etc etc. All ‘sin’ is equal in the eyes of God except the ones that church people decide are worse. Even the use of the term sin! Way to go and make a human being feel like they have no business even existing because who they are is a sin ! News flash Christians “ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” and “let he who is without sin cast the first stone”. So with these two verses ringing in our ears how in Gods name, literally Gods name, does ANYONE have the right to declare someone else ‘wrong ‘?

In short . WE DON’T.

I’ve heard it all . I’m dishonouring God , I am not letting my yes be yes and my no be no. I’m damning my “friends” to hell because I refuse to show them the error of their ways. The bible is clear .. blah blah blah. I am NOT dishonouring God because I love people based on how my heart feels towards them. I wasn’t aware that there’s a checklist . I am aware in 1 Corinthians 13 how I should love.Now where does it tell me to send someone into an exile of their soul because “I must love the sinner they are and not the sin”. I don’t look at human beings and think ‘hmmmm now what part of you is a sinner that I must recognise , put my negative opinions on and reject while still allegedly loving you’. What the actual !! I tell you what, I am not damning anyone to any eternity in hell by not telling them where I think they are all wrong . My job is only to love all people well , I’ve enough trouble keeping myself on the straight and narrow , I’m far too full of failures to even think I’ve any business knowing the apparent error of their ways .

Once again it comes down to this for me , are people fighting for what they are for or what they’re against ? The truth is it’s much more costly to battle for the former than it is the latter. Firing vocal bullets and opinions is significantly easier than showing love in abandon, without prejudice and with sacrifice.

Jesus type love SHOULD be tough . Tough on the person giving it NOT on the person receiving it ! Otherwise where’s the sacrifice in that ?

But sadly it seems that church has re written the book on love. It has decided on its own narrative , which all too often means exclusion. “We accept you but with limitations”. I know there are exceptions, my heart leaps with joy on every rare occasion I encounter such willingness to love. Not because I’m some ‘militant LGBQT ally’ but because that’s a place where I feel the God who greets my soul is present. You know in the Christian church one of the most famous verses used/quoted is John 3 v 16

“For God so loved the world He gave His only son, that WHOSEVER believe in him will not die but have eternal life”

Wow ! Whosoever ! WHOSOEVER! Please don’t run at me with “but yes there needs to be a change a distinction between the old and the new “… BULL! Apply your logic to EVERYONE then come back to me . There’s no caveats. None. I know a pastor who has borderline venomous opinions on the subject of homosexuality and many other things for that matter, the same guy has cheated repeatedly on his wife , stolen , lied and betrayed hundreds. He demands the unconditional love of God but does not disperse it in the same manner. I doubt this is unique.

Of all the blogs I have written , perhaps this one has the most meaning for me . Decades on from my first experiences of what it meant for gay people I love in faith communities little has changed. While some are open about who they are, they remain both rejected and dejected. They struggle through life with a faith and a belief that they have been taught rejects them. They believe in God , have experienced God, but feel their only recourse is to suppress and renounce that same existence. They are empty of the one being that truly , unconditionally loves and accepts them because people have mistranslated the pure and abundant nature of God’s love. They have been robbed. Worse even, are those living lives that are lies. This is not an assumption it’s fact. Marriage and children with being actively gay secretly on the side is a lie . It is the secrecy of the 80’s on steroids. We have barely moved an inch . Some people are living lies because they truly fear they have no other option. Marriage is a front that hides their true self, helps take away the spotlight. It’s not intended to hurt or be cruel it’s a desperate attempt to retain their family both blood and church. It’s an avoidance at the inevitable rejections already mentioned . I do believe some people chose to live faithful heterosexual lives and I admire their fortitude. What of the rest ? Are they waiting for their own Philip Schofield moment ?

In the end , for me , it all comes down to love. I have always believed that when we reject anyone , no matter how ‘accepting’ we believe that rejection to be, then God will walk beside that person ahead of us . Why? Because He is always to be found where the religious believers will not go, because even though He CAN judge , he chooses instead to love . So I chose to love.

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