Delivering Love

I have decided that I am like a car with a broken fuel gauge. There I am ‘driving’ about my life and suddenly there’s a shudder, a splutter and then quite to my surprise everything stops dead in its tracks. I have not seen the flashing light. I have not felt the stutters of an engine draining from the dregs of a tank, and I have been blissfully unaware of the impending catastrophe that awaits. As a rule, I am frustrated and annoyed by the inconvenience of my forced pause. Very often I am left stranded on the road of life clueless as to how to proceed. There are usually a few wise passengers who somehow were able to see what I could not, and they will tell me that they have ‘seen this coming’. In fairness, they are highly likely to have pointed out the warning light well in advance only for their warnings to have been waved off by me as overprotectiveness or some other kindness not required by the fortress that is I.

I am an empath. Actually, I was diagnosed by a clinical psychologist as being an ‘extreme empath’. I fall into more than one of the empathic types, arguably seven or eight of the total nine. Only earth empathy fully evades me and to a degree plant empathy. The others, emotional, intuitive, physical, animal, telepathic and dream empathy are so much a part of me I had no idea that such feelings were actually somewhat rare. Rare as in 2% of the population! An empath is a person who feels deeper than most and who is highly sensitive to the emotions of others. Modern-day terminology frequently refers to empaths as ‘highly sensitive people’, however, the term empath remains the official one so that’s what I’ll use. With all my heart I wish I could choose not to ‘see’. I can only imagine how much easier life would be and would have been if I could blind myself to the feelings and suffering of others, the atmospheres and the nuances that most people never really encounter.

It is an almost daily occurrence for me to receive advice from people which I know is good sense, makes sense and would sensibly benefit me. Phrases such as ‘you can’t do it all’, ‘not everything is your responsibility’ or a personal favourite ‘you need to learn to put yourself first’. I know the value of these statements. I have often given the same advice myself. When I have it’s been in the certain belief and understanding that what I was asking of others was a course of advice that would be beneficial to them. I have not considered it to be selfish nor would I hesitate to give the same advice again. So why then, when such kindnesses and considerations are bestowed upon me am I so confused?

Some years ago I was encouraged by a therapist to explore the concept of being a Heyoka Empath. This is a term coined by the Sioux Indian tribe associated with empaths who demonstrate empathy which acts as a mirror to others. I haven’t visited this in quite some time but it was fascinating to be reminded of the traits that a so-called Heyoka empath is believed to have. It was less surprising and more unnerving to realise that without exception all of them apply to me. I’ve included them at the end of this blog for those who are interested.

So I’m an empath. What does that mean and what does it have to do with my metaphorical petrol gauge? Being an empath is like being a magnet that not only attracts the emotions of others but has ‘feel-o-vision’ included in the price. Have you ever walked out of an air-conditioned airport into a warm sunny climate? That feeling of warm air, heat and the smell of dry air assaulting your senses? You might say something like ‘oh now I know I’m in California’ or wherever. If it’s a first-time experience you will be stopped in your tracks, it cannot go unnoticed or unacknowledged, and for everyone else, it’s a familiar feeling that uses every sense we have to experience. We smell it, feel it, taste it, hear it, and see it! That is what it is like for an empath every day of their life. Only it’s not the pleasantries of sunny climes they sense, it’s everything. They ‘know’ when something is about to happen, they feel the subtle tensions lost on everyone else, they are drawn to the wounded spirit in every room, and they are never, ever, able to switch it off. EVER!

Every day and every experience, mundane or otherwise is an exercise in being needed, wanted, and rejected. Most empaths have never known it to be any different. We truly believe that everyone else is exactly like us and I for one am still reeling from the news that actually no, most people do not live and experience life this way. We are attracted to professions that make the best use of our skills such as the caring professions, social work, ministry, chaplaincy, animal-centric roles, and psychology to name but a few. All are very noble except each one requiring the effective use of boundaries and self-care, neither of which comes naturally nor easily to the empath. In short, we would do better in quiet roles, librarian comes to mind, that do not provide endless streams of people to drain our caring batteries to the point of utter depletion!

This is not how the cookie crumbles. Like most empaths, I lived a good 40 years before I discovered what an empath was and that not only was I one, I was, lucky me, one of the more extreme versions of it! In some respects, I have the cheek to wonder why this came as such a surprise. My family and dearest friends are well accustomed to me embracing ‘waifs and strays’ and more than a little versed in the putting back together of what’s left of me after I have been left high and dry by those that have been tempted to take advantage of my open arms. Maybe I should mention at this point that sociopathic personalities are particularly attracted to empaths and use them for sport in what’s politely termed the sociopathic triad. That, however, is a blog or ten of its very own!

My parents will tell you a story about me as a little girl (1970s) taking not only my own Christmas presents to school but also some of my brothers. They will tell you that I gave them away to a pair of siblings who were the ‘poor kids’ of my class, dirty, unkempt and impoverished. Following the post-Christmas ‘what did you get from Santa?’ question it was revealed that they had in actual fact received nothing. My mother will also tell you that I came home on another occasion infested with lice having swapped jackets with the same brother of the duo following a playground incident where his attire was ridiculed. I took it upon myself to declare his jacket marvellous and wore it for the rest of the day to prove my point. Both of these incidents occurred before I was six years old and what I know for certain is that when those children admitted to their lack of presents or were being teased about their filthy clothes my heart felt so raw it was worse than if it was happening to me. So the truth is my kindness was as much to remove my own pain as it was to soothe that of others.

I’ll be honest I used to feel deeply embarrassed when my mother told these stories and felt like a fraud. Only when I learned about being an empath did I begin to understand that the terrible feeling I was trying to alleviate WAS the pain of the two little kids. It’s just that I felt every part of it so acutely it had become my pain too. Psychologically all the evidence was there. As a child, I took exceptional care of my toys. Again, not because I was a wonderful and grateful child but because I could not be wholly certain they did not have feelings. If you think I am totally bonkers it’s called chremamorphism. incidentally, this is also often associated with high levels of intelligence, the psychological school of thought being that those with very elastic minds are not afraid to consider possibilities others would conceive beneath them.

So it has gone on this way for all 49 years of my life. I could fill a terabyte of laptop memory by recalling all the occasions of note that my empathic nature has surprised even me. I am the person who sits quietly in an airport, alone, and suddenly has the woman several chairs down telling her that she needs to find a way to leave her abusive husband who that very morning had burnt her with a cigarette. I am the person who sits in a training session at work and feels tears coming because I can ‘feel’ the distress of a colleague two rows behind me without even turning around. I am the person that the delivery man shares his deportation worries with and I am the person that goes into her local supermarket only to be whisked into the office and put in front of an alcoholic worker who has expressed suicidal ideations. It is my office that people have come to gravely ill and have died minutes later, it is on my shift that the ‘circumcised sex slave came to deliver her captor’s baby. This is a crack of vision into the life that I live.

There is always someone who feels the need to say that phrase to me which causes me serious amounts of frustration. Every time I hear it my stomach hurts. It is quite possibly the single most annoying and irritating comment … “why does everything happen to you?”… well I don’t know Karen, if I did I would surely send a request for a feckin day off that’s for sure! It’s probably unfair of me to be so intolerant but to me, the question comes with the inference that somehow I have courted such attention. When every day of your life is wading into the feelings of others it is insulting at best and deeply hurtful at worst to feel so belittled and dismissed. Most empaths know more about people, and individuals, than most and as a rule gossip and malicious conversation are a rarity. Not least because to do so only causes them more angst. Empaths, myself included, strive to be good stewards of their ‘knowing’ and go to great lengths to protect others, even when it is undeserved or harmful to us.

There is however an understandable level of fear that empaths have to deal with on a daily basis. Often people sense your empathic traits and in the absence of understanding become suspicious and even malicious. Empaths often unintentionally stir up situations that others have been avoiding and let’s be honest, even when the end result is positive, the messenger is often in the firing line. It’s tough.

Empaths have lots of people in their lives but very few truly understand them. It is rare to make new ‘real’ friends and I find myself both wary and anxious to risk my heart, those blasted sociopaths are hard to detect. The flip side of this coin is that the very traits that make me nervous also connect me to real genuine souls. I often experience a person’s soul ‘ in a way that unnerves both them and me. the only difference is I am more adept at concealing my angst having had to practise for so many years. It can make new relationships of notable worth tricky and I have had to learn patience. Those who chose to stick it out eventually see that I am actually what I say on the tin and such relationships become deep and life-giving. Forgive me, however, if sometimes I wouldn’t mind just having a frivolous superficial relationship where I saw nothing with my bloody third eye and happily caroused into each day oblivious!

Over the years I have been hurt and hurt deeply. Broken into a, million pieces and shattered many times over in the discovery that those I have loved dearly and unconditionally have used the same without care. But I have also been blessed by warriors. people who have marched into my life or, as is more often the case, tiptoed into my uncertain world and taken up camp as my soulmates, protectors and frequently, my backbone. An empath cannot survive this world without their tribe and I am no exception. They see me, love me, are driven crazy by me, encourage me, defend me, value me and often pick me up and carry me. When the faulty gauge finally goes to zero they are the heroes who help me revive and restore.

In a funny sort of perverted twist of fate, what fills and what depletes an empath are one and the same. That which allows you to be fully and completely you also is draining and exhausting. The empath is far from exhaustive in her emotional stores rather she is more able to run efficiently on low reserves. She is protected by boundaries which are so difficult to both form and maintain. Something that will never come naturally and always be a battle. The draw of needs is so painful she can feel them and protecting herself from overexposure to the pain of others is a challenge. Her ways are not the ways of most and she feels the loneliness of her differences more than you could imagine. The empath loves big, gives big and loses big. The trick, so it seems, is learning to appreciate herself. Love herself. Listen to those who love her and trust that when she is empty they may just be the ones driving her to the fuelling station, all she has to do is go in the right direction.

The 21 Traits of a Heyoka Empath

• You are an empath
• You are a joker
• You have a young spirit
• Peer pressure tends not to impact you
• You feel lies
• People see you as a safe place
• Reading between the lines is standard for you
• You inadvertently provoke chaos in those who are ‘stuck’
• You bring humour to tense situations which are generally well received
• You ask the tough questions
• You verbalise issues that most shy away from
• Some of your words can have sharp edges, after all they are what others have been trying to avoid
• You are courageous
• You accept the roller coaster of life and its emotions
• You care about people deeply, known to you or not
• You are unstintingly honest
• You sense atmospheres
• You swim against the tide
• Your emotions can be unpredictable
• People react to you in an emotional way